Let Guilty Men Remember
by petite etoile22
Summary: Post 8.03: Lucas knows he should do what she wants and break her, but he can't.


**Author's Note:** _I'd written this a while back but it didn't sit right with me; then 8.03 happened. I just felt that the characters had reached the right (or 'wrong') place for this to fit. It's slightly AU in that it's Ros/Lucas; I'm just not feeling Lucas/Sarah. Hope you enjoy. _

**Disclaimer:**_ Spooks is the property of Kudos/BBC. 9 Crimes belongs to Damien Rice._

* * *

_Leave me out with the waste_

_This is not what I'd do_

_It's the wrong kind of place_

_To be thinking of you_

_It's the wrong time_

_For somebody new_

_It's a small crime_

_And I've got no excuse..._

* * *

Lucas looks over at the blonde woman at the bar steadily ordering drink after drink. He wonders how she's still upright, when he realises two things. 1) Ros Myers would never allow herself to look anything other than perfectly composed. 2) Her chair has a backrest to it. She's moved onto the gin now; by the look she's given the barman, he won't dare to water down her measures. Her phone rings, and for an instant, it looks as if she is going to hurl it against the wall.

Because whoever's calling doesn't understand, won't ever understand.

This is how she'll grieve. With drink. Not comfort. Not human presence. With drink. Ros thinks the comfort of another human being would break her. She tells herself that's a lie; she already is broken. No one walks away from their coffin unscathed, because no one should. She thinks of all the people who stuck to the rule she broke.

Colin Wells.

Leigh Bennett.

Baptise Kedala.

The Saudi Ambassador.

Prince Khaldoon.

Khalid Mansoor.

Steven Paynton.

Niko Grecic.

All those people in the Barrier.

Zafar Younis.

Adam Carter.

Arkady Kachimov.

Ben Kaplan.

Connie James.

Joanna Portman.

The last name severs her heart in two with unbelievable fluidity and precision, and for one reason only.

She put it there.

Ros finds that the deaths are starting to tire her now. No; her death tires her now. The shadow of it sits just out of her eyeline. She glances round, and feels shame at the fact that she has dared to think of some people whilst wallowing in a shit hole like this. She knows that Lucas is watching her from the corner. She also knows that she can't talk to him; she can't afford to love another person.

She doesn't deserve to; not after everything she's done.

She allows herself to imagine what it would feel like instead.

* * *

_Leave me out with the waste_

_This is not what I'd do_

_It's the wrong kind of place_

_To be cheating on you_

_It's the wrong time_

_She's pulling me through_

_It's a small crime_

_And I've got no excuse..._

* * *

For the first time since meeting Ros Myers, he fears for her life. Not because of the drink. Not because of the grief that has only now started to consume her. He's scared because she wants it. She wants to be destroyed, and he has no idea how to stop her. Her phone rings again, and he knows it's Harry this time. He also knows that their mentor won't stop until she picks up. She drops the mobile in her drink, and orders another one. He only moves when she makes to leave. He follows her outside to find her lighting up. He wants to say something, but can't.

Because this is how she'll grieve. With drink. Not comfort. With drink.

He wishes he could save her. He wishes she could save herself. And at times, he wishes he could put her out of her misery. The desire to protect her is overwhelming, and he wonders how he can feel this strongly about a woman he doesn't even love.

But he does, he knows he does. Lucas also knows that the guilt would near kill him; because loving her means betraying the Ros Myers who was strong enough to be fucked-up yet functional.

He walks over to her and removes the cigarette and glass from her shaking hands.

She looks at him then.

She notices him.

She is so vulnerable, it hurts. In that one moment, she has given Lucas everything he needs to completely destroy her.

"You shouldn't feel guilty."

Lucas catches her before she hits the paving slabs; her sobs loud and animalistic. A part of him knows he should've done what she wanted and pushed her over the edge, but he didn't.

Because he knows that next time, she won't walk away.

Next time, she'll be the rule instead of the exception.

_**

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Please Review!**_


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